I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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