Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
A bitchslap is in order.
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