nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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