I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
