we have pet lesbian snakes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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