Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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