I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
