You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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