Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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