I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also, beer. Big fan.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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