I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
