You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
