I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
