I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
