I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
