She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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