So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
