He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
