I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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