I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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