He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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