I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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