What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
