Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
