dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
