I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
