I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize