Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
