OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
