I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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