I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
