All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
