Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it's like iHOP with fire
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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