If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
