my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
