I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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