Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
