Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
