Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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