I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
