The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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