Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Everything about him screamed your future.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
