Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
