i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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