I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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