i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
