Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
