Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
id be glad to
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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