i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
