I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize