I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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