When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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