Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
