why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
