Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
