im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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