i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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