Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
