you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
