Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
