How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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