I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
